AUTOBIOGRAPHILIAC #5

Devindra and his sister are very different. He dates Steven who can see auras and works three days a week at a metaphysical boutique. She dates Blake, a mixed martial artist who tours the mid-state for fights. Once, Blake and Devindra’s sister were in town for an outdoor cage fight, which turned out to be especially brutal when one guy’s eyeball dislodged from his skull. Devindra and Steven met them for drinks afterwards. Devindra used to be a regular at the bar they chose, but hadn’t been there in a long time. It was more crowded than he remembered, more lively. Voices over loud speakers were advertising free food; hot wings in big aluminum trays by the juke box. The bartender sang karaoke while she walked around dealing out fresh ashtrays and taking away empties. Devindra’s sister said that she felt like acting out and singing karaoke herself. She didn’t know anybody in town, after all, so no need to feel embarrassed. Even though she said this, no one at the table believed her. Devindra excused himself and went to the bathroom in the back. A man was at the urinal so he turned and went in a stall. In the corner of the stall he saw the bone of a chicken wing on the floor, a little bit of buffalo sauce-covered meat in plumes at the ends. Devindra thought of how alcohol could make almost nothing seem disgusting, or at least make the drinker care less about getting his hands dirty. He imagined a guy in the stall before him. He is slightly taller than Devindra, buzzed head (a soldier), a cute face. He has his dick in one hand, shaking it off, and a mostly-eaten hot wing in the other.

AUTOBIOGRAPHILIAC #4

Devindra practices brooding and holding his cigarettes so that he appears contemplative. He models himself after Camus in that way. Or what he has seen of Camus in photographs, always a cigarette dangling out of his mouth at the perfect angle, the perfect length. When he goes to bars alone he always sits at the bar so that he can look at himself in the mirror. He lights a cigarette and watches himself smoke it, setting himself in poses and imagining that what he sees is an author photograph, or maybe the cover of a collected works. He pushes his hair back and forth, trying to make it look “writerly,” which to him means slightly disheveled. While he actually does this he thinks he is sly enough that no one notices, but people are sometimes looking. He realizes this. Even though he didn’t notice, someone probably watched him primping and posing and thought he was a fool.

AUTOBIOGRAPHILIAC #3

Devindra knows a gay couple who claim to be married, but he doesn’t believe it. He met them online, like most of the other gays he knows. They have a pet mole that they like to show off. The mole almost always shits in the hand of whoever is holding it. Devindra knows this and has seen it happen every time they take it out of the terrarium. They always ask him if he would like to hold the mole, that it is very soft. Devindra doesn’t want shit-hand, but doesn’t want to offend his friends either. He usually holds the mole, then has to excuse himself to wash his hands in the bathroom. The gay couple always laughs about how “cute” they think “mole-poops” are. While Devindra washes his hands he thinks of something he heard once about how mole skin is the most expensive animal skin to make clothing from. He wonders how many moles it takes to make a coat, and if the reason it is so expensive is because of the sheer quantity of animals required or the quality of the skin.

AUTOBIOGRAPHILIAC #2

Devindra is hardly germaphobic. He doesn’t carry a small bottle of hand sanitizer on his key chain, but he does use a paper towel when opening the door to exit a public restroom. He also has a fear of people detecting his disinterest in small talk or useless gestures.

AUTOBIOGRAPHILIAC #1

Devindra’s real name is Devin, but everyone in Winchester calls him Devindra out of respect for his dead great-grandmother. She was deeply interested in Eastern mysticism and called him by a name she said reminded her of the rain. Devindra’s mother hated the name and refused to use it because she said it sounded like a drag queen. Many of their neighbors would often seek great-grandmother’s counsel since she had lived to be 102 and they figured she had a few wise words to lend. They used the name she preferred when addressing the young boy. Devindra became very confused. Convinced that he was actually two people in one small body, though he only felt like one at a time.